The Sculpture Garden

My friend who used to live in St. Louis told me about a sculpture garden in the middle of the city that I needed to check out. Figuring out that I was planning on walking right by it I stopped by to give myself a little culture and look at art. I had a much more fun time than that. Here are some of my favorites!

Now it took me awhile to figure out that these were rabbits... It must be abstract art. But once I figured it out I just fell in love with the big fat one sitting in the background.

This one made me laugh. So obviously phallic. The dude doesn't even have arms!!! But he has a dangle! This reminded me off a story my sister told me about my nephew. He walks up to her one day (he's three (four now)) and says "Mommy! Boys are sooo lucky! We have penises aaand butts!" My kind of man! And I agree with him. I hope this piece of art inspired many boys to make the same realization and tell their mom's about how lucky it is to be a boy.


Now with so much art and life being phallic I loved finding this piece. As a society we show how important things are to us by giving them a lot of names. You've probably heard the saying "The Eskimos have 52 words for snow." Well we have a lot of names for the penis, it seems like many testosterone fueled men like to remind everyone they have one by driving sports cars or "erecting" giant buildings. If you disagree then please tell me what the point of a cigarette boat is. So I was pleased that my favorite euphemism for the female parts was apparently on show at this scultpure garden. The Little Man in the Canoe! And it's so anatomically correct! There is the little man at the top of the boat. And what's that laying at the bottom of the boat? Why a cat of course! So I google'd popular other names for cats:

Main Entry:	cat
Part of Speech:	noun
Definition:	feline animal, sometimes a pet
Synonyms:	bobcat, cheetah, cougar, grimalkin, jaguar, kitten, kitty, leopard, lion, lynx, malkin, mouser, ocelot, panther, puma, puss, pussy, tabby, tiger, tom, tomcat

Brilliant job Jean-Michel Folon!

The Arch and the Brewpub

So there I was. 5:30 in the morning walking around St. Louis. My first stop was the Gateway Arch. I figured if I was going to be up at the butt-crack of dawn I might as well take some pictures. The arch is beautiful. But I have one problem. It's just too damn big. I have a "point and shoot" camera! Don't they understand that I can't get both the top and the bottom of the arch in ANY picture?!?! The pictures end up being just the top of the arch, or just two giant stumps sticking out of the ground! Honestly dude, how tiny is your penis?
This is the best I could do. And even then in this picture I'm laying down on a sidewalk grunting trying to get into a good position. I'm glad no one was there.

This one shows that I was there way too early. No one was around. It was really hard to get a tour!

This is a self picture of myself (redundant redundancy alert) to prove that it was myself and not a paid professional taking these pictures. I know they look professional but I'm on a budget. At the angle I had to hold this at, to take what most 21 year old drunken college girls have perfected, it got me perilously close to the "double chin zone", but I sucked my double chin up and made it out relatively unscathed.

Now under the arch they put a free museum because honestly a lot of people would be pissed if they drove hours to see an arch! The museum was quite dry and depressing. They decided to cover the ever so light topic of how we totally fucked over the Indians. Its pretty awkward to be caught standing there reading a passage about how we massacred hundreds of these folks and you suddenly realize you are subconsciously nodding along. Oops! But my favorite find was this "peace" medal. Every president made one of these and would give them as bribes ermmm.... I mean symbols of the white folks commitment to the relationship with the Indians. I would totally vote for this guy if he ran today.

Chester Arthur must have been a bad ass! Look at those mutton chops!!! I agree that no president could win in today's media storm running for office with facial hair like that. But why not grow them once you get in? Can you imagine if Ex(thank the lord!)-President Bush had grown these? Terrorist's might have actually been scared when he said "Make no mistake, the United States will hunt down and punish those responsible for these cowardly acts." Iran? They'd be I-running away from any conflict with us! (couldn't resist)

After my learning experience I decided I needed to go have a drink or four. So I went into a brewpub in the area and sat down to have lunch and get ready to watch the Germany world cup game. I started Chit-a-lit chatting with the bartender. We were talking beer and their brew operation. I was impressive! I was using phrases and words that made me sound pretty into the process. And for that I need to thank Tom the Rabbit, Beejeble, and Yellow Fever. Hopefully you all know who you are.

Turns out the bartender was actually the head brewer for the brew pub. After spending 4 hours drinking, talking about beer and the city, and watching soccer with him I asked how much I owed. He told me the only thing I owe him is to go see the City Museum. For the first time ever I talked my way out of a bar tab. My family would be so proud! And all I do is have to go learn some more...

The First Night

The time had come, my car was packed, I had said my good byes. Now was the time to hit the road. After a quick jaunt to the grocery store I decided, what's a road trip as a man by yourself if you are wearing a shirt? A true mountain man wouldn't do it, I strive to be a true mountain man. To live off my propane single burner, my car full of gas, my credit card that could buy me a hotel night anytime I needed. True mountain man-ism. So when I have a choice, shirt or no shirt. I choose no shirt!

5 minutes later the seat belt was really digging into my sunburn so I created a modern toga like apparatus and continued on. First stop, the armpit of our nation: Illinois. Illinois has only created one thing I enjoy, and that is my old roommate. And even he is trying to move away. Nothing enforces my feeling more than when I stop for my first toll. She charged me a big rig fair and ended up stealing 50 cents from me. Fuck you Illinois! You are long, boring, and now you steal? To get back at them I didn't flush when I took a dump at a rest stop. So hah! Totally kidding, I could never take a dump at a rest stop....

I got to the camp grounds at my first stop, St. Louis, around 2:45 after about a 6 hour drive. No one was there after the long weekend so I picked a camp spot and set up my tent. I have done two dry runs of this when I lived at home to make sure I didn't embarrass myself. I was a pro! Not this time, tent poles were falling apart, I couldn't get the thing to stand up correctly, I apparently decided the best place for my tent was on top of a giant pile of rocks... It was just all a mess. That turned out to be warning #1.

The plan was to see the park the first day then head into St. Louis the next day. They had a couple of hiking trails and after a delicious Lupper of chili that the coolest of cool friends made for me I decided, the mountain man that I was, that I was going to do the two mile strenuous hike. So at 4:30 I hop on my bike to ride and take off for the two miles to the trail head. I'm flying! My spirits are up, my tummy full, and I am really biking fast. Then it hits me, I haven't pedaled once. This bike to the trail head is entirely down hill.... Suddenly one of the many lessons my dad instilled on me (most of them awkward ("Son, if you get a boner at a pool just jump in")) came rushing back "what goes down must go up." I was already dreading my trip back. But the spirits were still high and I had 2 Liters of water on my back to put me at ease.

I start off on the trail sweating my ass off. This was my second shirt of the day since it was 94 degrees with a heat index of 100. I'm being very aware of stopping and taking pictures. It's one of my main goals on the trip to photo document it, which I am usually very bad at. The trail is beautiful but it is suddenly 5:30 and I am starting to freak out. You don't understand! Give me a tent, a car, and a pudgy pie maker and I got this licked. But lost in a forest?!? Without my head lamp at least? I have forgotten everything I learned! The only thing I remember is “Leaves of three, beware of me,” but I can't eat poison ivy... Quick! Are the mushrooms that grow on tree stumps ok? Could I catch a squirrel with my wit and cunning? Look, I have seen Into the Wild! I don't want to shrink to 65 pounds and die in a hippie truck. Fight or flight: I choose flight. So I just take off running. People. It is 5:45.... the sunset last night was 8:30 and it wasn't completely dark till almost 9:30. Anyone want to guess when I got back to my bike? 5:52. Needless to say I survived that one. Warning #2 that I might not be that cut out for this.

After my bike back I went to buy ice and firewood to do what I look forward to the most on this trip, sitting around a fire, making grilled food, and maybe having a beer or two. Unfortunately the gas station didn't have beer but I could still do the first two.

This camp site is one of the weirder camp sites I have ever been to. Their fire pits are a concrete slab with an iron ring around it. It feels like starting a fire on your driveway. But I went to it. Throwing all 6 months of my boyscout knowledge into the mix I set off to prove myself. Nothing... An hour and a half of fanning the embers I didn't have a single flame. Completely put off I kicked over the logs and decided to load up everything I had pulled out of my car back in. One couple even asked me if I was leaving. So I was sitting there sulking wondering how much the Hilton downtown runs per night when I notice that the kicked over logs had created an oven like situation that was burning really hot. So I rearrange things a bit and.... FLAME ON! I was so excited! I had a raging mini fire. But I was so proud. What was I proud about exactly? Maybe just my dumb luck but I was proud. Had I kicked over the logs perfectly in the right spots as a showing of my intelligent subconcious? I don't know but I was proud, so I'm sharing that with all of you. This is the raging fire I had going after almost two hours.



Not much to brag about but it signified that I could at least live! Granted I had used the entire sunday circulation for the Wall Street Journal to start it but it started! So I sat back and enjoyed it. Now I didn't have mini marshmallows to roast on my mini fire and I was to worried about putting it out to have dinner. But I was content. Until...

I decided it was time for bed and climbed into my tent. Scratch that, my SAUNA of a tent. Now I'm a Fin but even this was unbearable. What could I do? Can you go nudey at a camp ground? Shirt number three was definitely out of the running for wearing it tomorrow. So I laid, and waited, and laid. With the heat and the critters I slept from about 1 to 4 am. At 4 am I popped up like a chipper little squirrel and decided I just needed to get the hell out of there. So while the rest of the campsite slept in their RV's I went and took a shower with my headlamp, my boxers, and my soap. The one positive on the first full day were the showers. My shower had a double shower head! Deluxe! I don't really understand why though. The top shower head came out of the wall at my shoulders which put the other shower head directly in front of my... Yoohoo! It was quite awkward. But that area is at least nice and rinsed off.

At 5 am I had my rain fly on my tent and was driving into St. Louis to take pictures of the Gateway Arch when the sun rose.

Day 1 complete. And all that really happened is I'm a bit tired, a bit hungry, and about 10 pounds lighter from my sauna tent.

The next beginning

It's official. I am homeless. Granted this is by choice not necessity but I am still homeless... I leave for my camping extravaganza on Tuesday bright and early. Hitting the road with a car full of stuff and a dream. That dream: to see the worlds biggest ball of twine, or largest stump, or largest stamp collection. I don't know what it will be but it will be the largest collection of it ever.

So to celebrate the fact that I'm going to be living in a nylon tent for two months I decided the beard had to go. It was large, scratchy, and sleeping was a drag. I shaved it off without a moments hesitation only to realize I now look like I'm 18. I have even started to get carded at places that never used to card me. On top of it all I recently bought thick plastic framed glasses which I thought looked cool, hip, happening. The problem? With no beard and a buzzed head the glasses make me look like a slightly thinner Drew Carey.

I decided to get my feet wet on this whole camping thing by going to the beach with a good friend. What says sleeping on the ground, showering in the lakes, and fending off aggressive animals with a stick and a can full of rocks more than sitting on a sandy beach with a dog, a towel and a cooler full of beer. We show up at noon, I decide why wear sun screen when I will be outside every day for the next couple of months. Lets work on this mountain man tan. So I laid down and had beer one, feeling great, a nice breeze, sand hadn't reached those unfortunate places yet. Life was good. Beer 2: The sun had warmed my skin, I was talking to my best friend on the phone, petting the dog. Ah what life on the road will be like.... Beer 3: Falling asleep, just want to close my eyes and live in the moment. Beer 4 and a nap latter: I haven't put sun screen on and it has been 5 hours. I just woke up on my towel from a dream. This can't go bad can it? Turns out 5 hours in the sun for a math nerd who sits in doors is a lot more sun than required. Even as a color blind gentleman I can tell parts of me are lobster red. Hopefully the color doesn't make the bears hungry..

And I'm off for real. I hope to be writing much more often now but access to the internet will be harder to come by. Expect a couple blog posts in a row because I plan to write them on my computer then post them once I find a cool coffee shop. I can't wait! Please help me out with ideas by posting random comments that will make me laugh, think, or smile. Or just call. The biggest ball of twine can wait for a good friend....

The Trial

On my last day of jury duty I heard those unfortunate words, "Nate West, juror number 18." It was 2 in the afternoon and most people had already been released from their duty. But there I was on one last panel. So I went through the motions again. For those of you who have read my previous post, this selection process wasn't quite as insane. Needless to say that I was selected to my very first jury.

Begin the Law and Order Sequence:

Duh Dun!

District 15
Misdemeanor courts
Milwaukee County Courthouse

The Charge: Bicycle theft (that's right, frickin' bicycle theft! And one! It wasn't like he was a serial thief! But it's everyone's right to a jury trial.) This theft happened August 7th, 2008 (that's right, TWO years ago)

The defendant: A 42 year old man who had been convicted of various charges 9 (NINE!) times in his life.

The plaintiff: The State, or more precisely a school teacher who by choice didn't own a car and rode her bike everywhere (are you serious? I have personally had my bike stolen 5 times, they had to find the one case where there is a sob story attached?!? Oops, am I suppose to be fair and impartial?)

They spent a lot of time talking about how real courtrooms didn't run like CSI or Law and Order but I completely disagree. This was a bike theft, just give me the evidence and let me decide. 45 minutes max right? Wrong!

Opening Statements:

The State Assistant DA, (are they really assigning bike thefts to assistant DA's? Is Milwaukee REALLY a big city?): "A case is like a puzzle. The opening statement is like the puzzle box lid. Its just meant to show you a reference for when you build the puzzle."

The Defense: "Ahhh crap. Most prosecuting attorneys use a road map metaphor. He totally threw me for a loop. Oh well, I'll use it anyways. The prosecutor stated that the opening statement is like a road map..." (This man was obviously a court appointed lawyer...)

The Case:

Like I stated above. I have had my bike stolen 5 times. #1 My bike was cut off its chain. #2 I put my bike around the corner of a house 2 hours after I bought it. I knocked on the door to the house, no one was there. I walked back to my bike and it was gone. I think I win the speed bike theft world record with that one. #3 I broke my rear axle so I ditched the bike in a forest to come back later to mine it for parts. That night it was gone. #4 Again cut off the chain, this time, they left the chain for a memento. and #5 My bike got stolen out of a garage.

You might be saying. Who leaves there bike unlocked at least 3 separate times! To which I reply, get off my blog! No one asked you! Needless to say, even though I was meant to be fair and partial who really cares about one bike?

State's first witness: "I was sitting 60 feet from where the bike was stolen people watching on a Thursday evening from my apartment window. I noticed a man walking back and forth looking around. I yelled to my roommate 'Larry, this guys going to steal something. Grab the camera!' Then I watched the man steal the bike while my roommate snapped pictures of him doing it." Are you serious? Of all the bike thefts around (and apparently in Milwaukee at this time there was one a day) this dude got caught in the act and had pictures taken of him?!? And remember, it wasn't the first witness' bike that was being stolen... Wait it gets better.

"So three days later I was driving down the street and the same man, wearing the same clothes, rides right by my car window. I recognized him immediately. So I pulled over, called the cops, and followed him until he entered a building. The cops showed up and arrested him." Ok now I just feel bad for the guy. He steals one bike and it watched while doing it, then three days later rides by the guys window? I know I have you hook line and sinker with this story, so I'm sure you're asking: "was he riding the bike?" the answer unfortunately is no. He was rocking out on a purple bike, the bike stolen was black.

So the alleged theif gets arrested while wearing the same outfit as three days ago. This includes a backpack which just happened to have bolt cutters, three pliers, a screw driver, a bike seat, a bike light, and various notebooks. As a juror I really wanted to know what was in the notebooks! Where they journals? Diaries? "Dear diary, Today I stole a bike. Love, James "Notorious Bike Thief" Fowler"

The defense cross examines: Do you use your eyes for work? "Yes, everything I do I use my sight because I need to see to do everything..." Way to go hot shot! You really nailed him there!

State's Witness #2: Woman who's bike was stolen. "I'm a teacher, from riverwest (lower income neighborhood). By choice I have never had a driver's license or a car. My bike is my car. Stealing my bike is like getting your car stolen." Everything in life has to have its sob story. We just found ours.

First real question: Ma'm please look in the backpack and see if there is anything you recognize. "yeah, this is my bike light. I remember it from the scratch on the side!" He kept her bike light?!? They couldn't find the bike but they found the light? I can just see it, he's riding away thinking. 'Man this bike is shit, I'm going to sell it! But this bike like is AWESOME!'

The state rests.

The defendant's story: On the night of the crime he was doing laundry from 2:30 in the afternoon till 11 pm at night! Well sir, did you ever leave the premise? "No not at all." What else did you do. "well in that time we also went to Family Dollar and bought flea medicine to shampoo the carpets" Uh..... So you didn't leave? But you went to Family Dollar?

So what were the tools for? "I do side home improvement jobs" Who has EVER used a bolt cutters for home improvement?!? Hmm, I need to trim the excess drywall... I might as well use bolt cutters right?

The cross examination: You said you hadn't left the apartment but you went to Family Dollar. Care to explain? "Well... what I thought you meant was did I leave anywhere far or leave to do anything illegal, Family Dollar is only a block away." Wow, this dude thinks quick on his feet. What a brilliant reply. We will never see through that one.

I assume you were wearing the outfit as identified by the first witness on the day of your arrest. What were you wearing three days before that? "Hmm... black pants with a red cutoff shirt" Makes perfect sense he would remember. Two years ago on August 7th, 2008 I was wearing my kahki man capris that my friend promised me didn't make me look gay along with my hilarious faux retro t-shirt that read "Everything's bigger in Texas" It's normal to remember what you were wearing two years ago right?

Needless to say it was the most cut and dry guilty I have ever heard. Sorry about unlucky number 10 in lifetime convictions dude. I know its awkward when you have been dating someone for awhile and say, "What's your number." To admit that your number has reached the double digits could be awkward. Luckily I am still a convict virgin. Saving myself for that special bicycle....

The Civil Service

Sometime in February I got a juror summons in the mail. Unfortunately I was going to be out of the country during the dates so I had to postpone the dates of my service. Those dates were this Monday and Tuesday. Like most people I went to the court room eager to serve my city for a mere $16 a day. Although being unemployed, it afforded me the ability to sit back and try to get on a trial instead of struggling to schedule work around a trial.

I got to the courtroom a little before 9, sat through what I can only describe as a conjunction junction type video about how to be a good juror, and at 9:30 I got the news. Would Nathan West, juror #5 report to the next jury panel. Pumped up and ready to judicate, I eagerly skipped to the waiting area. A short civics lesson for those of you who have forgotten, a jury is 6 or 12 people with additional reserve jurors. This trial they called 35 people to fill 14 slots.

Holy hell people. If you ever think one of your friends is the biggest idiot you have ever met, you have never been to jury duty.

Three people really stood out from the panel of 35. And by stood out I don't mean these people were brilliant, level-headed citizens. Quite the contrary. I'll be referring to these people by the nicknames I have assigned them. #1 is Cracky McCrack-head. #2 is Creepy McWeasel. And the real doosy #3 This woman claims she is a CNA but instead of certified nursing assistant it must mean Crazy Narcissistic African.

To start the process we are suppose to go around stating information about ourselves. Married/single, children and ages, occupation, where you live, etc. Pretty easy right? Ummm... no. So Ms. CNA stands up and says "Single, six kids, job.... well I went and got my CNA about 5 years ago because I thought it would bring me to straight cash money..." "Ma'm what do you currently do?" "Well I did an internship when I was getting my CNA" soo you interned 5 years ago. This woman is either selling drugs, her body, or counterfiet "RolFlex's" out the back of her car. Oh and here is the real kicker. She came dressed today in NURSING SCRUBS!!!! No jurors can wear whatever they want. Since I constantly searching for the woman of my dreams I made sure I looked gooood. But what was her mentality? "Gotta go to jury duty, what should I wear? I know! I'll dig out those nursing scrubs from 4 years ago and look all professional!" Ma'm you officially have my attention, I'm going to pay attention to you, you seem fun!

Next Creepy McWeasel goes. "Single, no kids - that i know of..." (hilarious man, hilarious, I'm sure the judge, lawyers, and the 34 people getting paid $19 to be there all appreaciated that you lightened up our day with your humor, just tell us your damn job) "And I'm currently going to school to be a CNA."

Cracky McCrack-head, please stand and state your name. Now some of you might think I am just being mean. But this guy was wearing jesus sandals, running pants, and a cutoff t-shirt that said "Trucking in Dodge County." It looked like he weighed all of 95 pounds, had long scraggly hair, and a bitchin' long beard. Also ever time he took a step it looked like he might fall over. So lay off, I think the name fits and its my space! "I'm married, 3 children, 1 grandchild... well two but I just got done with her murder trial..." Ahhhhh ha-what? Now you can call the county and request your service to get waived for a variety of reasons. I'm pretty sure "I'm busy because I have to try to convict the murderer of my grand-child" would be an acceptable excuse. Now again, for all you haters who think its unacceptable to write about this, the next day, I saw him having lunch with his wife, his son and his TWO GRANDCHILDREN. Sir! You were under oath! How dare you?!?

Now this trial dealt with a medical malpractice suit that dealt with prostate cancer, colostomy bags, depression, and suicide. So the lawyers start asking questions pertaining to these points.

The first one "Have you or anyone in your extended family had prostate cancer? If so please raise your hand." Sure enough, CNA's hand rifles into the air. "Yes Ma'm" "I'm from Africa" (this woman has no discernible accent) "and my Dad had prostate cancer. That country had a civil war! (isn't Africa a continent?) And I'm mad!" (me blinking furiously trying to wake myself up from the phenomenal dream).

Every question they ask they end with "Does anything about your experience lead you to be an unfair and impartial juror" Now people are answering some very personal questions, but everyone is politely answering "No I can handle it." She answers "Yes" Why? "Because I'm mad!" Ok, I think it's safe to say she doesn't want to be selected. She is waaaay to busy looking for straight cash money from a CNA position.

The continue with their questions and suddenly CNA raises her hand. When called upon she STANDS UP and says "Your Honor, I respect you, I respect this court, as I stated I'm from Africa and mad, and this trial would just be too hard. I am asking to be removed from this trial because..." The JUDGE interrupts her and says "Thank you Ma'm, we can talk about it later. Please sit down." That's a very polite way of saying, shut up!

Aaand we continue. "Has anyone every dealt with suicide" CNA is furiously waving in the background. "5 years ago I was coming out of jury duty and Kobe pushed me under the Buss." (I know what you're thinking, just wait, it gets better) "And the buss ran over me. So I was brought to county hospital and the buss driver said no one would believe me and I should shut up (good advice...) and the Sheriff at the hospital (why was there a sheriff at the hospital?) told me Kobe Bryant wasn't admitting that he pushed me under the buss but that people were just playing a game on me..." Kobe Bryant! Phe-nom-inal. And that's it, where was the suicide?

Finally they get to the question: "Is there anything else you want us to know that would lead you to be unfair or impartial?" Anyone have a guess about who has something to say? CNA is on it! "I'm African (we know!!!) and I've dealt with a lot of racism in my life. And i think in a civil case I would add up all the money I think I'm owed and just tack it on the plantiff's sentence" This is a trial between a 90 year old white man and his white doctor. If it isn't obvious by now this woman is pulling out all straws to get off jury duty. And other people have noticed that its working!

Which brings me to Creepy McWeasel. To the question of is there anything that would lead you to be unfair he answers "Yes, I mean they stink" Sir you haven't defined what they are: Old people? Doctors? Prostates? Cancer? "They leak, no one wants to wear them or deal with them. I cut them, I size them, and fit them on people. But you know, you got to do what you got to do to prolong life. That's the ultimate goal right? Just prolong life?" Are you serious?!?! Colostomy bags are what will lead him to be unfair or impartial? So they ask "Is there anything about that experience that would lead you to be an unfair or impartial juror?" and he answers "No." Wasn't that the original question? What the hell, aren't we suppose to be adults?!?

Finally they ask if anyone has any time commitments they can't get out of. Some acceptable answers are "My mom has cancer and has her first treatment tomorrow and we have had the appointment for months" Creepy McWeasel raises his hand and answers "I work as a CNA (we know, and colostomy bags stink and leak) and people like me there." That's your reason?

Needless to say all three didn't get picked to be on the jury, and neither did I, but that was probably because I couldn't stop laughing while sitting in the jury box.

The Job Offer!!!

So today I received a job offer in my email inbox. On top of it all it was an offer for a job I didn't even apply for! I knew I was good but this good? You may be asking yourself "Self, do most companies offer jobs without ever talking to someone and through email as their first form of communication?" Well "Laura Smith" does but just to be on the safe side I looked into it a bit more.

Here is the actual offer my analysis below:

Assistant Manager Position

Dear Nathan West,

Our Company is pleased to offer you the position of Assistant Manager for our team. We are all agitated about the potential that you bring to our company.

Our company is a global management consulting, technology services and outsourcing company. Combining unparalleled experience, complete capabilities across all industries and business functions, and extensive research on the world’s most successful companies, we cooperate with customers to help them become high-performance businesses. Our "high performance business" strategy builds on our expertise in consulting, technology and outsourcing to help clients perform at the highest levels so they can nake sustainable value for their customers and shareholders. Using our industry skills, service-offering expertise and technology capabilities, we identify new business and technology trends and develop solutions to help clients around the world. The biggest number of customers is represented by the USA residents.

You will be organized as an exempt executive-level employee. Your initial compensation package includes a monthly salary of $4500 payable biweekly, full medical and dental coverage through our company's employee benefit plan. At the beginning you will have to undergo the 2-week training period, that will be covered by $1800.

Description of the offered position:

• Maintaining correspondence
• Estimation, organization, keeping up and exploration of complex data
• Organization of payoffs straight from clients to employees using money transfer systems
• Looking after costs of the company
• Performing administration work
• Conference calls arrangement with meeting organization
• Promotion support
• Working out fiscal reports and reports of internal use
• Studing and determination of ways of solution
• Announcement of information to customers

Our Assistant Manager must have perfect communication skills and being proficient in the following field:

• Computer skills and typesetting
• Skilled usage of Microsoft Word, Excel

Working hours are 9a.m. to 3p.m. Monday through Friday.

To accept this job offer please let us know the following facts:
1. Your complete name
2. Your full address
3. Your cell number
4. Home phone number
5. Your e-mail

In accepting our offer of employment, you certify your understanding that your employment will be on an at-will basis, and that neither yourself nor the Company has entered into a contract regarding the terms or the duration of your employment. As an at-will employee, you will be free to terminate your employment with the Company at any time, with or without cause or advance notice. Likewise, the Company will have the right to reassign you or to terminate your employment at any time, with or without cause or advance notice.

We are excited of your joining our company and are confident that you will play a key role in our company's expansion into international markets.

Sincerely,
HR Coordinator

It all just looks so official! But lets break it down.

Red Flag #1: How about that second sentence: "We are all agitated about the potential that you bring to our company."

-Now I've agitated a lot of people. Mostly women. And this is the first time I have ever heard it used as a positive. But I'm glad this company (That is never named) is so agitated about my potential.

Here is red flag #2: "so they can nake sustainable value for their customers and shareholders"

-this is a form letter, obviously, so I figured they would spend a lot of time making sure they said exactly what they wanted to say. I figured this couldn't have been a mistake so I googled this new word "nake" that I had never heard of. Big mistake. The top URL "Sexy nude nake female celebs" Surely they couldn't mean get naked?

-So I popped onto dictionary.com to see if they had anything better:

Nake

Nake\, v.t. To make naked. [Obs.] --Chaucer. Come, be ready, nake your swords. --Old Play.

They must have meant this then. So I rewrote the sentence just so I could be sure I understood what they wanted:

Our "high performance business" strategy builds on our expertise in consulting, technology and outsourcing to help clients perform at the highest levels so they can get made naked for sustainable value for their customers and shareholders.

Strangely this didn't necessarily make the job less appealing.

Lets get to the pay already!

$4,500 per month! Full Health! Full Dental! The hours are only Monday through Friday 9 a.m. till 3 p.m.?!?! Where do I sign up!

Red Flag #3: "At the beginning you will have to undergo the 2-week training period, that will be covered by $1800."

-Ok, so I'll have to pony up a little bit of money. The job sounds worth it!

Red Flag #4: Job Responsibilities: "Studing and determination of ways of solution"

-Studing?!?! This must be part of nake. Again, is this really a drawback?

Red Flag #5:

To accept this position I just need to respond with the following information:
1. My full name (You titled the letter Dear Nathan West, is that not full enough?)
and
5. My email address (This came as an offer through my email address...)

Final "Nail in the coffin" Red Flag: Uhh.... the second to last paragraph that is explicitly detailed in the fact that the company can terminate my employment with them at any time without cause and without advanced notice. I wonder if that time would be after the two weeks and the $1,800 I gave them to get trained in the art of nake and Studing....

Needless to say this job wasn't for me. So I wrote back:

Dear "HR Coordinator":

While the prospect of getting paid $4,500 a month to romp around being "nake" and "Studing" sounds incredibly appealing I unfortunately do not currently posses the $1,800 to take your training. I should have it any day though. You see last month a Nigerian Prince contacted me and said that he was in trouble and needed to move his families estate into a safe account. All I had to do was forward him my bank account information and he would transfer the money directly into my account. If I kept it safe for him I would be welcome to half of his fortune! Needless to say I jumped at the opportunity and am currently awaiting the money transfer of his fortune plus the $500 he took out of my account apparently to cover petty expenses.

If you aren't in need of the money today I would love to pay you back as soon as this sound business investment comes through. Please let me know if we can work something out!

Sincerely,

Nathan Cornelius Bartholomew West