The Trial

On my last day of jury duty I heard those unfortunate words, "Nate West, juror number 18." It was 2 in the afternoon and most people had already been released from their duty. But there I was on one last panel. So I went through the motions again. For those of you who have read my previous post, this selection process wasn't quite as insane. Needless to say that I was selected to my very first jury.

Begin the Law and Order Sequence:

Duh Dun!

District 15
Misdemeanor courts
Milwaukee County Courthouse

The Charge: Bicycle theft (that's right, frickin' bicycle theft! And one! It wasn't like he was a serial thief! But it's everyone's right to a jury trial.) This theft happened August 7th, 2008 (that's right, TWO years ago)

The defendant: A 42 year old man who had been convicted of various charges 9 (NINE!) times in his life.

The plaintiff: The State, or more precisely a school teacher who by choice didn't own a car and rode her bike everywhere (are you serious? I have personally had my bike stolen 5 times, they had to find the one case where there is a sob story attached?!? Oops, am I suppose to be fair and impartial?)

They spent a lot of time talking about how real courtrooms didn't run like CSI or Law and Order but I completely disagree. This was a bike theft, just give me the evidence and let me decide. 45 minutes max right? Wrong!

Opening Statements:

The State Assistant DA, (are they really assigning bike thefts to assistant DA's? Is Milwaukee REALLY a big city?): "A case is like a puzzle. The opening statement is like the puzzle box lid. Its just meant to show you a reference for when you build the puzzle."

The Defense: "Ahhh crap. Most prosecuting attorneys use a road map metaphor. He totally threw me for a loop. Oh well, I'll use it anyways. The prosecutor stated that the opening statement is like a road map..." (This man was obviously a court appointed lawyer...)

The Case:

Like I stated above. I have had my bike stolen 5 times. #1 My bike was cut off its chain. #2 I put my bike around the corner of a house 2 hours after I bought it. I knocked on the door to the house, no one was there. I walked back to my bike and it was gone. I think I win the speed bike theft world record with that one. #3 I broke my rear axle so I ditched the bike in a forest to come back later to mine it for parts. That night it was gone. #4 Again cut off the chain, this time, they left the chain for a memento. and #5 My bike got stolen out of a garage.

You might be saying. Who leaves there bike unlocked at least 3 separate times! To which I reply, get off my blog! No one asked you! Needless to say, even though I was meant to be fair and partial who really cares about one bike?

State's first witness: "I was sitting 60 feet from where the bike was stolen people watching on a Thursday evening from my apartment window. I noticed a man walking back and forth looking around. I yelled to my roommate 'Larry, this guys going to steal something. Grab the camera!' Then I watched the man steal the bike while my roommate snapped pictures of him doing it." Are you serious? Of all the bike thefts around (and apparently in Milwaukee at this time there was one a day) this dude got caught in the act and had pictures taken of him?!? And remember, it wasn't the first witness' bike that was being stolen... Wait it gets better.

"So three days later I was driving down the street and the same man, wearing the same clothes, rides right by my car window. I recognized him immediately. So I pulled over, called the cops, and followed him until he entered a building. The cops showed up and arrested him." Ok now I just feel bad for the guy. He steals one bike and it watched while doing it, then three days later rides by the guys window? I know I have you hook line and sinker with this story, so I'm sure you're asking: "was he riding the bike?" the answer unfortunately is no. He was rocking out on a purple bike, the bike stolen was black.

So the alleged theif gets arrested while wearing the same outfit as three days ago. This includes a backpack which just happened to have bolt cutters, three pliers, a screw driver, a bike seat, a bike light, and various notebooks. As a juror I really wanted to know what was in the notebooks! Where they journals? Diaries? "Dear diary, Today I stole a bike. Love, James "Notorious Bike Thief" Fowler"

The defense cross examines: Do you use your eyes for work? "Yes, everything I do I use my sight because I need to see to do everything..." Way to go hot shot! You really nailed him there!

State's Witness #2: Woman who's bike was stolen. "I'm a teacher, from riverwest (lower income neighborhood). By choice I have never had a driver's license or a car. My bike is my car. Stealing my bike is like getting your car stolen." Everything in life has to have its sob story. We just found ours.

First real question: Ma'm please look in the backpack and see if there is anything you recognize. "yeah, this is my bike light. I remember it from the scratch on the side!" He kept her bike light?!? They couldn't find the bike but they found the light? I can just see it, he's riding away thinking. 'Man this bike is shit, I'm going to sell it! But this bike like is AWESOME!'

The state rests.

The defendant's story: On the night of the crime he was doing laundry from 2:30 in the afternoon till 11 pm at night! Well sir, did you ever leave the premise? "No not at all." What else did you do. "well in that time we also went to Family Dollar and bought flea medicine to shampoo the carpets" Uh..... So you didn't leave? But you went to Family Dollar?

So what were the tools for? "I do side home improvement jobs" Who has EVER used a bolt cutters for home improvement?!? Hmm, I need to trim the excess drywall... I might as well use bolt cutters right?

The cross examination: You said you hadn't left the apartment but you went to Family Dollar. Care to explain? "Well... what I thought you meant was did I leave anywhere far or leave to do anything illegal, Family Dollar is only a block away." Wow, this dude thinks quick on his feet. What a brilliant reply. We will never see through that one.

I assume you were wearing the outfit as identified by the first witness on the day of your arrest. What were you wearing three days before that? "Hmm... black pants with a red cutoff shirt" Makes perfect sense he would remember. Two years ago on August 7th, 2008 I was wearing my kahki man capris that my friend promised me didn't make me look gay along with my hilarious faux retro t-shirt that read "Everything's bigger in Texas" It's normal to remember what you were wearing two years ago right?

Needless to say it was the most cut and dry guilty I have ever heard. Sorry about unlucky number 10 in lifetime convictions dude. I know its awkward when you have been dating someone for awhile and say, "What's your number." To admit that your number has reached the double digits could be awkward. Luckily I am still a convict virgin. Saving myself for that special bicycle....