The Job Offer!!!

So today I received a job offer in my email inbox. On top of it all it was an offer for a job I didn't even apply for! I knew I was good but this good? You may be asking yourself "Self, do most companies offer jobs without ever talking to someone and through email as their first form of communication?" Well "Laura Smith" does but just to be on the safe side I looked into it a bit more.

Here is the actual offer my analysis below:

Assistant Manager Position

Dear Nathan West,

Our Company is pleased to offer you the position of Assistant Manager for our team. We are all agitated about the potential that you bring to our company.

Our company is a global management consulting, technology services and outsourcing company. Combining unparalleled experience, complete capabilities across all industries and business functions, and extensive research on the world’s most successful companies, we cooperate with customers to help them become high-performance businesses. Our "high performance business" strategy builds on our expertise in consulting, technology and outsourcing to help clients perform at the highest levels so they can nake sustainable value for their customers and shareholders. Using our industry skills, service-offering expertise and technology capabilities, we identify new business and technology trends and develop solutions to help clients around the world. The biggest number of customers is represented by the USA residents.

You will be organized as an exempt executive-level employee. Your initial compensation package includes a monthly salary of $4500 payable biweekly, full medical and dental coverage through our company's employee benefit plan. At the beginning you will have to undergo the 2-week training period, that will be covered by $1800.

Description of the offered position:

• Maintaining correspondence
• Estimation, organization, keeping up and exploration of complex data
• Organization of payoffs straight from clients to employees using money transfer systems
• Looking after costs of the company
• Performing administration work
• Conference calls arrangement with meeting organization
• Promotion support
• Working out fiscal reports and reports of internal use
• Studing and determination of ways of solution
• Announcement of information to customers

Our Assistant Manager must have perfect communication skills and being proficient in the following field:

• Computer skills and typesetting
• Skilled usage of Microsoft Word, Excel

Working hours are 9a.m. to 3p.m. Monday through Friday.

To accept this job offer please let us know the following facts:
1. Your complete name
2. Your full address
3. Your cell number
4. Home phone number
5. Your e-mail

In accepting our offer of employment, you certify your understanding that your employment will be on an at-will basis, and that neither yourself nor the Company has entered into a contract regarding the terms or the duration of your employment. As an at-will employee, you will be free to terminate your employment with the Company at any time, with or without cause or advance notice. Likewise, the Company will have the right to reassign you or to terminate your employment at any time, with or without cause or advance notice.

We are excited of your joining our company and are confident that you will play a key role in our company's expansion into international markets.

Sincerely,
HR Coordinator

It all just looks so official! But lets break it down.

Red Flag #1: How about that second sentence: "We are all agitated about the potential that you bring to our company."

-Now I've agitated a lot of people. Mostly women. And this is the first time I have ever heard it used as a positive. But I'm glad this company (That is never named) is so agitated about my potential.

Here is red flag #2: "so they can nake sustainable value for their customers and shareholders"

-this is a form letter, obviously, so I figured they would spend a lot of time making sure they said exactly what they wanted to say. I figured this couldn't have been a mistake so I googled this new word "nake" that I had never heard of. Big mistake. The top URL "Sexy nude nake female celebs" Surely they couldn't mean get naked?

-So I popped onto dictionary.com to see if they had anything better:

Nake

Nake\, v.t. To make naked. [Obs.] --Chaucer. Come, be ready, nake your swords. --Old Play.

They must have meant this then. So I rewrote the sentence just so I could be sure I understood what they wanted:

Our "high performance business" strategy builds on our expertise in consulting, technology and outsourcing to help clients perform at the highest levels so they can get made naked for sustainable value for their customers and shareholders.

Strangely this didn't necessarily make the job less appealing.

Lets get to the pay already!

$4,500 per month! Full Health! Full Dental! The hours are only Monday through Friday 9 a.m. till 3 p.m.?!?! Where do I sign up!

Red Flag #3: "At the beginning you will have to undergo the 2-week training period, that will be covered by $1800."

-Ok, so I'll have to pony up a little bit of money. The job sounds worth it!

Red Flag #4: Job Responsibilities: "Studing and determination of ways of solution"

-Studing?!?! This must be part of nake. Again, is this really a drawback?

Red Flag #5:

To accept this position I just need to respond with the following information:
1. My full name (You titled the letter Dear Nathan West, is that not full enough?)
and
5. My email address (This came as an offer through my email address...)

Final "Nail in the coffin" Red Flag: Uhh.... the second to last paragraph that is explicitly detailed in the fact that the company can terminate my employment with them at any time without cause and without advanced notice. I wonder if that time would be after the two weeks and the $1,800 I gave them to get trained in the art of nake and Studing....

Needless to say this job wasn't for me. So I wrote back:

Dear "HR Coordinator":

While the prospect of getting paid $4,500 a month to romp around being "nake" and "Studing" sounds incredibly appealing I unfortunately do not currently posses the $1,800 to take your training. I should have it any day though. You see last month a Nigerian Prince contacted me and said that he was in trouble and needed to move his families estate into a safe account. All I had to do was forward him my bank account information and he would transfer the money directly into my account. If I kept it safe for him I would be welcome to half of his fortune! Needless to say I jumped at the opportunity and am currently awaiting the money transfer of his fortune plus the $500 he took out of my account apparently to cover petty expenses.

If you aren't in need of the money today I would love to pay you back as soon as this sound business investment comes through. Please let me know if we can work something out!

Sincerely,

Nathan Cornelius Bartholomew West