The Civil Service

Sometime in February I got a juror summons in the mail. Unfortunately I was going to be out of the country during the dates so I had to postpone the dates of my service. Those dates were this Monday and Tuesday. Like most people I went to the court room eager to serve my city for a mere $16 a day. Although being unemployed, it afforded me the ability to sit back and try to get on a trial instead of struggling to schedule work around a trial.

I got to the courtroom a little before 9, sat through what I can only describe as a conjunction junction type video about how to be a good juror, and at 9:30 I got the news. Would Nathan West, juror #5 report to the next jury panel. Pumped up and ready to judicate, I eagerly skipped to the waiting area. A short civics lesson for those of you who have forgotten, a jury is 6 or 12 people with additional reserve jurors. This trial they called 35 people to fill 14 slots.

Holy hell people. If you ever think one of your friends is the biggest idiot you have ever met, you have never been to jury duty.

Three people really stood out from the panel of 35. And by stood out I don't mean these people were brilliant, level-headed citizens. Quite the contrary. I'll be referring to these people by the nicknames I have assigned them. #1 is Cracky McCrack-head. #2 is Creepy McWeasel. And the real doosy #3 This woman claims she is a CNA but instead of certified nursing assistant it must mean Crazy Narcissistic African.

To start the process we are suppose to go around stating information about ourselves. Married/single, children and ages, occupation, where you live, etc. Pretty easy right? Ummm... no. So Ms. CNA stands up and says "Single, six kids, job.... well I went and got my CNA about 5 years ago because I thought it would bring me to straight cash money..." "Ma'm what do you currently do?" "Well I did an internship when I was getting my CNA" soo you interned 5 years ago. This woman is either selling drugs, her body, or counterfiet "RolFlex's" out the back of her car. Oh and here is the real kicker. She came dressed today in NURSING SCRUBS!!!! No jurors can wear whatever they want. Since I constantly searching for the woman of my dreams I made sure I looked gooood. But what was her mentality? "Gotta go to jury duty, what should I wear? I know! I'll dig out those nursing scrubs from 4 years ago and look all professional!" Ma'm you officially have my attention, I'm going to pay attention to you, you seem fun!

Next Creepy McWeasel goes. "Single, no kids - that i know of..." (hilarious man, hilarious, I'm sure the judge, lawyers, and the 34 people getting paid $19 to be there all appreaciated that you lightened up our day with your humor, just tell us your damn job) "And I'm currently going to school to be a CNA."

Cracky McCrack-head, please stand and state your name. Now some of you might think I am just being mean. But this guy was wearing jesus sandals, running pants, and a cutoff t-shirt that said "Trucking in Dodge County." It looked like he weighed all of 95 pounds, had long scraggly hair, and a bitchin' long beard. Also ever time he took a step it looked like he might fall over. So lay off, I think the name fits and its my space! "I'm married, 3 children, 1 grandchild... well two but I just got done with her murder trial..." Ahhhhh ha-what? Now you can call the county and request your service to get waived for a variety of reasons. I'm pretty sure "I'm busy because I have to try to convict the murderer of my grand-child" would be an acceptable excuse. Now again, for all you haters who think its unacceptable to write about this, the next day, I saw him having lunch with his wife, his son and his TWO GRANDCHILDREN. Sir! You were under oath! How dare you?!?

Now this trial dealt with a medical malpractice suit that dealt with prostate cancer, colostomy bags, depression, and suicide. So the lawyers start asking questions pertaining to these points.

The first one "Have you or anyone in your extended family had prostate cancer? If so please raise your hand." Sure enough, CNA's hand rifles into the air. "Yes Ma'm" "I'm from Africa" (this woman has no discernible accent) "and my Dad had prostate cancer. That country had a civil war! (isn't Africa a continent?) And I'm mad!" (me blinking furiously trying to wake myself up from the phenomenal dream).

Every question they ask they end with "Does anything about your experience lead you to be an unfair and impartial juror" Now people are answering some very personal questions, but everyone is politely answering "No I can handle it." She answers "Yes" Why? "Because I'm mad!" Ok, I think it's safe to say she doesn't want to be selected. She is waaaay to busy looking for straight cash money from a CNA position.

The continue with their questions and suddenly CNA raises her hand. When called upon she STANDS UP and says "Your Honor, I respect you, I respect this court, as I stated I'm from Africa and mad, and this trial would just be too hard. I am asking to be removed from this trial because..." The JUDGE interrupts her and says "Thank you Ma'm, we can talk about it later. Please sit down." That's a very polite way of saying, shut up!

Aaand we continue. "Has anyone every dealt with suicide" CNA is furiously waving in the background. "5 years ago I was coming out of jury duty and Kobe pushed me under the Buss." (I know what you're thinking, just wait, it gets better) "And the buss ran over me. So I was brought to county hospital and the buss driver said no one would believe me and I should shut up (good advice...) and the Sheriff at the hospital (why was there a sheriff at the hospital?) told me Kobe Bryant wasn't admitting that he pushed me under the buss but that people were just playing a game on me..." Kobe Bryant! Phe-nom-inal. And that's it, where was the suicide?

Finally they get to the question: "Is there anything else you want us to know that would lead you to be unfair or impartial?" Anyone have a guess about who has something to say? CNA is on it! "I'm African (we know!!!) and I've dealt with a lot of racism in my life. And i think in a civil case I would add up all the money I think I'm owed and just tack it on the plantiff's sentence" This is a trial between a 90 year old white man and his white doctor. If it isn't obvious by now this woman is pulling out all straws to get off jury duty. And other people have noticed that its working!

Which brings me to Creepy McWeasel. To the question of is there anything that would lead you to be unfair he answers "Yes, I mean they stink" Sir you haven't defined what they are: Old people? Doctors? Prostates? Cancer? "They leak, no one wants to wear them or deal with them. I cut them, I size them, and fit them on people. But you know, you got to do what you got to do to prolong life. That's the ultimate goal right? Just prolong life?" Are you serious?!?! Colostomy bags are what will lead him to be unfair or impartial? So they ask "Is there anything about that experience that would lead you to be an unfair or impartial juror?" and he answers "No." Wasn't that the original question? What the hell, aren't we suppose to be adults?!?

Finally they ask if anyone has any time commitments they can't get out of. Some acceptable answers are "My mom has cancer and has her first treatment tomorrow and we have had the appointment for months" Creepy McWeasel raises his hand and answers "I work as a CNA (we know, and colostomy bags stink and leak) and people like me there." That's your reason?

Needless to say all three didn't get picked to be on the jury, and neither did I, but that was probably because I couldn't stop laughing while sitting in the jury box.