Mushroom Hunting

We woke up bright and early. Not because we were excited to hunt mushrooms as much as the fact that my tent, which was all the rage in the 70's (where they apparently didn't believe in water proofing shit in the 70's), was soaked. And since I'm a dick and didn't want to be up alone I woke up Paul.... Ooops!

So we headed to the lodge to get our bearings and set off on the hunt. There we ran into the biggest cowboy I have ever met. He was wearing skinny jeans (and not because they were ironically cool but because he had been wearing them since the 60's), a fu man chu and chops that screamed "mess with me... I dare you!", and a leather vest. He was drinking coffee and had a look on his face that said "This coffee is chasing the whiskey I was drinking not three hours ago.

So we said, "Hi!"

Cowboy: "Howdy! (he replied in his best impression of John Wayne.) Where are you folks from?"

Me: "Wisconsin!"

Cowboy: "Oh! Your must hunt and fish all the time!"

Paul: "Actually we haven't done either."

Cowboy: "Well that's just a hangeable offense..." Uhh.... sorry? I hope he knows there are cities in Wisconsin. We don't just shoot shit.

Me: I awkwardly respond, "This place is beautiful!"

Cowboy: "Yep. This is where God spends his summers... Truuuuueee story..."

I instantly wanted to jump on a horse and ride into the sunset. This dude reeked western. But enough of this dude, time to hunt! for mushrooms that is....

This was no easy hunt. The trail was sloppy from rain, we didn't know what we were looking for, and it was 6 god damn 30 in the morning!

But we persevered! We hiked through the slop. We pushed on even though we hadn't had our starbucks fix. It was rough! We had to leap some logs....

We finally found what we were looking for. Check out the haul! For your experience to be closer to ours please play this song in the background while looking at the pictures. This is what we sang for about 3 miles of hiking....

Badger, badger, badger, badger, badger...


Mushroom! Mushroom!

Badger, badger, badger, badger, badger...


Mushroom! Mushroom!

Badger, badger, badger, badger, badger...


Mushroom! Mushroom!


A snake a snake! Snaaaaake a snaaaaake! Oooooooh it's a snaaake!

Badger, badger, badger, badger, badger...

Mushroom! Mushroom!

But the real find was this. Crazy!

It's the mushroom from super mario bro's! But more importantly its actually a hallucinogen called Amanita Muscaria growing in Arizona. Crazy!

Hannagan's Meadow

The day after Carlsbad Caverns, Paul and I set off to a place called Hannagan's Meadow. It didn't take a scholar to figure out that we were looking for a place with a meadow. I was excited. The terrain since Big Bend had been boring and I was excited to get into the White Mountains of Arizona. This specific place had been recommended by my uncle who had lived in Arizona for the greater majority of his life.

The Garmin starting dinging telling us we were close. We saw a sign! Business area!

Then we saw a lodge! Then we saw another sign! "End of business area. Next services 86 miles".... seriously? That was it?!?! That was Hannagan's Meadow?!? I honestly believe that 100 years ago a dude named Hannagan lived here. He would call up his friends and say "Hey dude's, come up here and visit me! I have a meadow!" He was so insanely popular that people started just simply saying, "Yeah, I'm going to Hannagan's Meadow!" This is the entire meadow, nice but nothing I'd name a "city" after!


About 10 feet past the sign we saw a campground.


So we pulled in to see if this was the place we wanted to stay.

Signs of an adventure:

#1 The sign below.

Seriously? Pay what you want? Sweet!

#2 We were incredibly excited to be somewhere beautiful and to be camping outside of a desert. We grabbed my frisbee and went to explore. Drugs couldn't have gotten us higher than we were at that moment.

#3 We decided to stop and talk to the camp host "Cliff."

Me: "Hey Cliff, my name is Nate and this is Paul."

Cliff: "Don't expect me to remember that...." Alright..... "you guys have tents?" Well.... we are camping.... "Get ready for some weather tonight...." Seems like he knows it's going to rain... "You always expect rain up here. I'm actually freaked out that the weather is so nice right now!" You could actually see the joy sink out of Paul and my face.

Me: "Well we are just excited to be in nature amongst trees. What trees are we in right now?"

Cliff: "I have no idea.... but that one's a ponderosa. So is that one. That one over there.... that's a ponderosa too." Alright Cliff, we get it. You know what a ponderosa is. Time to move on.

#4 Paul and I setting up out tents looking over at each other mentally saying "Dude, if you want to go rent a cabin I'm game." But neither of us has the balls to be the first to break the silence.

Well, instead of frisbee we went and bought 12 beers and a bag of ice. Now Paul doesn't drink any more because he is to busy stroking genitals (errr orgasmically meditating) in San Francisco. So those 12 beers were hypothetically for me.

Cliff hadn't lied. EVERYTHING was wet. And we hadn't brought any fire wood with us. This is a job for .... duh duh duuuuhhhh! Fire MacGyver!

We ended up finding some dry kindling, I chopped apart a tree with my 12 inch hatchet, (Ok, calm down ladies, it's actually a hatchet and it's only 12 inches long...) and we set up a complicated drying to burning system with stones, leverage, and maybe even a pulley.

We had been so nervous about the rain that we started the fire at 4:30. About an hour later Cliff came by and said, "Holy shit! You guys really got that going! Good job. Last week I brought an entire wheel barrow of my fire wood over to this guy and he couldn't get anything going." Wait... we could have gotten an entire FREE wheel barrow of fire wood from you?!? Dammit Cliff!!! No matter, things were looking up. We got a compliment rom the stoic Cliff, if didn't looks like it was going to rain, and we had fire!

Well, if you are a fellow camper (and I use that term loosely because I am including myself amongst us) we had gotten to the point of the fire where we were burning an entire tree. at 11:30 at night the skies suddenly opened up! Armageddon was upon us! We ran into the car to try to wait it out. You may ask why. It was late, we were tired, it was a perfectly good time to call it a night!

To that I respond, "You are obviously a chick." We had a tree burning!!! You don't walk away from those moments!

I personally think a man's instinct consists of three things:
#1 Have as much sex as possible and
#2 BURN SHIT!
and the third thing came shortly after. It was obvious the rain wasn't going to stop. So Paul and I came to the next conclusion. We were going to run out of the car, kick over the logs, and piss all over the fire. Now I can hear you saying "Eww... that's gross." to which I respond "If God didn't want men to piss all over things he wouldn't have given us a fire hose attached to our person! What do you have to say to that?!?!

Needless to say we had given into the rain. But that didn't kill the morning! You see, from the fellow campers that night we had learned that this was mushroom country! And we were determined to hunt!

Carlsbad Caverns

After we left Big Bend we ventured out of the way to see Carlsbad Caverns. It's one of the biggest public caves in the world. It was also one of the biggest tourist attractions around. Luckily with my National Parks Pass it was all free. Bring on the tourist trap! Being the avid hiker that I have become (I've been on three whole hikes since the trip began, oh yeah!) I threw on my hiking boots, strapped on my camel back, did a quick Hoohaa!, and set off. Turns out the entire walk is paved with handrails. A 12 year old girl did the entire hike in a walking cast. I was a bit over dressed.

Unfortunately I don't have a ton of pictures to show you because it was (BOOB!) to dark. Most pictures, even with a flash, didn't turn out. But here are a few of my favorites. It seemed like this cavern was Jim Henson's wet dream. I can see it now "ONE NIGHT ONLY! FRAGGLE ROCK ROCKS OUT IN CARLSBAD CAVERNS"


The opening just drops straight into the earth.


A bitchin' column where a stalactite met a stalagmite. I am creating a new word for this. A Stalagmiteictite. I think it's going to catch on.


This is called a lions tail. They say it's because it's like a lions tail, but it's obviously rock, not the tail of a lion. I don't know who they are foolin....












You can't tell me that you can tell the difference between these two pictures. Maybe carlsbad cavern's is suing Jim Henson for copyright infringement.


This is a forest of rocks. A Forock if you will.


This is the begining of the endless pit. It falls down 1300 feet from the surface. This picture was taken at 750 feet below the surface. Prett-ah Prett-ah Prett-ah Prett-ah Cool.


Stalactites, Stalagmites, Stalagmiteictites, dude flexing... You don't see the dude flexing? Third column in, roughly the middle of the picture. In Wisconsin we'd call that guy a Dooooouche baaaag....

After the caverns Paul and I grabbed lunch at the city closest to the Caverns. Check out the name of this city.


Racist much?

But I did find this street sign cool. It's like it knew where we had come from!

Big Bend

Left hand turn off the interstate. 123 miles to Big Bend and what can I see? Nothing! Just flat flat ranch land. Viva la Texas! A short 97 miles later we saw our first mountain! Paul and I were ecstatic! It was like I was 13 all over again and had just seen my first boob thanks to National Geographic's Africa issue. Just like that first boob, this was nothing to write home about. But we still stared and stared and stared and stared... anyways. We didn't have to get so excited. There was much more in stock. As seen from the picture below that is a view from our campground!


While walking around the campsite we met Richard and his sons who have been coming to Big Bend for 15 years. We asked him if he only had a day in Big Bend where would he hike. He told us first to hike the Lost Mine Trail then in the afternoon to hike The Window. But he warned us that we should leave for the first trail by 7 am to avoid the hot weather. We told him it wouldn't be a problem. We were jacked, ready to attack, and soon to be in the sack.... So 8:30 am rolled around and Paul and I were just about done with breakfast and ready to roll out. If you don't know, Paul is one of my best friends since the 3rd grade. That was when we invented the cricket trap. It was brilliant! Technical scale drawing below.

Paul had since moved to San Francisco to get a job and had started embracing his inner hippie. But I still loved him!

We set out on the trail and it was beautiful! It was well worth the hike. The strange part is that I had Paul in every one of my pictures. So I finally asked him to take a picture of me. Look how good it turned out!

Dick! He decided it looked better with a tree in front of me!

So we reached the summit and who did we run into? Richard! We sat down and proceeded into each other's life stories. Now as I mentioned Paul has embraced Peace, Love, and Sex since moving to San Francisco. If you don't already know , here is the weirdest thing he has embraced: it's called Orgasmic Meditation.

We are now into life philosophies and Richard, who is closer to 60 than 50 by the way, is pretty into meditation. Paul's eyes just lit up! He jumps into his thoughts saying "Well there is sitting meditation, moving meditation and floating meditation. We perform floating meditation where we..." Oh no, please don't. Not here, not now... "Stroke Genitals." For a second you could literally only hear crickets chirping. No I'm serious, we were in nature, crickets were actually chirping...

Richard handled it like a pro responding "Well... that sure is something. You know I used to have sex with a lot of beautiful women till I realized they are all terrible in bed. So now I sleep with women who are comfortable." Richard! There is a little bit of Dick in you after all! If you are more of a visual person, below is a thought bubble rendition of the talk. Conversation is approximated...


All in all Big Bend is a beautiful place. It should be on everyone's list of National Parks to visit!

Human Made Ridiculousness

I took off from St. Louis and started driving. In about an hour I saw a billboard that said "Would you like to see the worlds largest rocking chair?" Why yes, yes I would! So I drove 10 miles out of my way and got to see one of the best man made attractions ever. If you don't believe me check this shit out!


Totally worth it! Back on the road I figured out that I would be driving directly through Branson, Missouri. If you don't know what Branson is all about think Wisconsin Dells on crack. There is one main road filled with weird attractions. There is a large scale Titanic ship just chillin' in a parking lot, a wax museum, freak shows, everything you would want to spend 30 bucks. So of course I was going to stop. The real question was what is going to be the most absurd thing to stop at. Very early on I found it. The Hollywood Wax Museum!

The stop let me hang out with some beautiful women. I tried chatting this one up but she was pretty quiet in her response.


So I went to the biggest womanizer I know to ask for tips....


He didn't have much to say. So I decided to move on. The weird thing is that they had a bunch of movie characters. But their movie choices were strange. Like this one:

Really? Nic Cage makes sense. But you choose Ghost Rider?!?! Really?!?!

I know when I think of Jackie Chan or Owen Wilson I think of the movie Shanghai Noon! Such a great flick.

What really surprised me was how life like they made things. Look at how real Donald Trumps hair piece looks in this wax figure.


Luckily they saved the best for last. Making sure no one was around me I spent some time with one of the better actors. Someone that makes me feel like I'm the king of the world!


Oh Branson.... I love you so. But only really three hours at a time. After this I left for the Ozarks, which would later be derailed by rain. Duh Duh Duuuuuh!

The City Museum

My last stop in St. Louis was the City Museum. I found the address and set off arriving at the destination around 4:20. Which strangely was a very appropriate time to get there. This was no museum. This was a stoner's dream gym. I walked up to the gate and asked to pay admittance. The lady informed me that unfortunately the museum was closing in 40 minutes and that I should come back in the morning. I then informed her that I won't be even near the city tomorrow so back off and let me in! She was nice enough to cut my admission in half and told me that if I do anything I need to hit up the "Art City" and the "10-story slide."

I felt like a contestant in great amazing race. I was running around searching for clues. What is art city? A City made of Art or Art of a City? I had so many questions, so little time. I found Art City. It was a bunch of weird stuff clobbered together. It was pretty interesting. But the coolest thing was a fully functional giant rock 'em sock 'em robots machine! I wanted to play but I would have been about 2 feet taller than anyone else in line. Plus time was limited!




Not wanting to delay I quickly set out to find the 10-story slide. But the building only had stairs up till the third floor. Using my amazing deductive reasoning I figured this slide had to be on the 10th floor! See how I did that? So I approached a man wearing a city museum T-shirt and asked him where I could find the said slide. He told me to go to the elevators. I told him I got here 5 minutes ago and need to see everything because I am leaving on the rest of my trip in the morning. So he told me to follow him and walked out the exit. Thinking I had been duped into leaving the museum I was starting to get nervous. But he looked at the security guard, thumbed back at me, and said "Special request." And we were off. We got in an elevator with a bunch of other people, pushed floor ten (aha!), and then another secret button. When we got to the tenth floor he told everyone to get out, but then held me back. We get to go to the secret floor! So he started telling me about the building. A very rich man bought the building and started outfitting it. I asked why he wanted it to be so weird and he informed me that the man was pretty into The Wacky Tabacky, Lady Ganga, Gongo Bongo, Mary Jane. If you aren't hip to the cool those are all words I heard, or made up, for marijuana. It suddenly made sense why it felt like I had stepped into a real life Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Turns out all the material in the building is found art in St. Louis. Definitely a place that when I get back to St. Louis is somewhere that I will visit and thoroughly explore. So sit back and enjoy a couple of pictures that I to to try and catch the atmosphere.


All of the wire tubes you can CLIMB THROUGH and explore the things it leads to, which includes a Bus, a Plane, a trolley car, and a giant Praying Mantis.


Totally normal. Just a giant squid like thing. Would you like to slide down this slide?

This is one of the first things you see when you come in the building. It really sets the mood.

Tree. Check. Elephant head. Check. Silver streamers. Check. Do you really want to tell me someone wasn't high when they put this exhibit together?

The Sculpture Garden

My friend who used to live in St. Louis told me about a sculpture garden in the middle of the city that I needed to check out. Figuring out that I was planning on walking right by it I stopped by to give myself a little culture and look at art. I had a much more fun time than that. Here are some of my favorites!

Now it took me awhile to figure out that these were rabbits... It must be abstract art. But once I figured it out I just fell in love with the big fat one sitting in the background.

This one made me laugh. So obviously phallic. The dude doesn't even have arms!!! But he has a dangle! This reminded me off a story my sister told me about my nephew. He walks up to her one day (he's three (four now)) and says "Mommy! Boys are sooo lucky! We have penises aaand butts!" My kind of man! And I agree with him. I hope this piece of art inspired many boys to make the same realization and tell their mom's about how lucky it is to be a boy.


Now with so much art and life being phallic I loved finding this piece. As a society we show how important things are to us by giving them a lot of names. You've probably heard the saying "The Eskimos have 52 words for snow." Well we have a lot of names for the penis, it seems like many testosterone fueled men like to remind everyone they have one by driving sports cars or "erecting" giant buildings. If you disagree then please tell me what the point of a cigarette boat is. So I was pleased that my favorite euphemism for the female parts was apparently on show at this scultpure garden. The Little Man in the Canoe! And it's so anatomically correct! There is the little man at the top of the boat. And what's that laying at the bottom of the boat? Why a cat of course! So I google'd popular other names for cats:

Main Entry:	cat
Part of Speech:	noun
Definition:	feline animal, sometimes a pet
Synonyms:	bobcat, cheetah, cougar, grimalkin, jaguar, kitten, kitty, leopard, lion, lynx, malkin, mouser, ocelot, panther, puma, puss, pussy, tabby, tiger, tom, tomcat

Brilliant job Jean-Michel Folon!

The Arch and the Brewpub

So there I was. 5:30 in the morning walking around St. Louis. My first stop was the Gateway Arch. I figured if I was going to be up at the butt-crack of dawn I might as well take some pictures. The arch is beautiful. But I have one problem. It's just too damn big. I have a "point and shoot" camera! Don't they understand that I can't get both the top and the bottom of the arch in ANY picture?!?! The pictures end up being just the top of the arch, or just two giant stumps sticking out of the ground! Honestly dude, how tiny is your penis?
This is the best I could do. And even then in this picture I'm laying down on a sidewalk grunting trying to get into a good position. I'm glad no one was there.

This one shows that I was there way too early. No one was around. It was really hard to get a tour!

This is a self picture of myself (redundant redundancy alert) to prove that it was myself and not a paid professional taking these pictures. I know they look professional but I'm on a budget. At the angle I had to hold this at, to take what most 21 year old drunken college girls have perfected, it got me perilously close to the "double chin zone", but I sucked my double chin up and made it out relatively unscathed.

Now under the arch they put a free museum because honestly a lot of people would be pissed if they drove hours to see an arch! The museum was quite dry and depressing. They decided to cover the ever so light topic of how we totally fucked over the Indians. Its pretty awkward to be caught standing there reading a passage about how we massacred hundreds of these folks and you suddenly realize you are subconsciously nodding along. Oops! But my favorite find was this "peace" medal. Every president made one of these and would give them as bribes ermmm.... I mean symbols of the white folks commitment to the relationship with the Indians. I would totally vote for this guy if he ran today.

Chester Arthur must have been a bad ass! Look at those mutton chops!!! I agree that no president could win in today's media storm running for office with facial hair like that. But why not grow them once you get in? Can you imagine if Ex(thank the lord!)-President Bush had grown these? Terrorist's might have actually been scared when he said "Make no mistake, the United States will hunt down and punish those responsible for these cowardly acts." Iran? They'd be I-running away from any conflict with us! (couldn't resist)

After my learning experience I decided I needed to go have a drink or four. So I went into a brewpub in the area and sat down to have lunch and get ready to watch the Germany world cup game. I started Chit-a-lit chatting with the bartender. We were talking beer and their brew operation. I was impressive! I was using phrases and words that made me sound pretty into the process. And for that I need to thank Tom the Rabbit, Beejeble, and Yellow Fever. Hopefully you all know who you are.

Turns out the bartender was actually the head brewer for the brew pub. After spending 4 hours drinking, talking about beer and the city, and watching soccer with him I asked how much I owed. He told me the only thing I owe him is to go see the City Museum. For the first time ever I talked my way out of a bar tab. My family would be so proud! And all I do is have to go learn some more...

The First Night

The time had come, my car was packed, I had said my good byes. Now was the time to hit the road. After a quick jaunt to the grocery store I decided, what's a road trip as a man by yourself if you are wearing a shirt? A true mountain man wouldn't do it, I strive to be a true mountain man. To live off my propane single burner, my car full of gas, my credit card that could buy me a hotel night anytime I needed. True mountain man-ism. So when I have a choice, shirt or no shirt. I choose no shirt!

5 minutes later the seat belt was really digging into my sunburn so I created a modern toga like apparatus and continued on. First stop, the armpit of our nation: Illinois. Illinois has only created one thing I enjoy, and that is my old roommate. And even he is trying to move away. Nothing enforces my feeling more than when I stop for my first toll. She charged me a big rig fair and ended up stealing 50 cents from me. Fuck you Illinois! You are long, boring, and now you steal? To get back at them I didn't flush when I took a dump at a rest stop. So hah! Totally kidding, I could never take a dump at a rest stop....

I got to the camp grounds at my first stop, St. Louis, around 2:45 after about a 6 hour drive. No one was there after the long weekend so I picked a camp spot and set up my tent. I have done two dry runs of this when I lived at home to make sure I didn't embarrass myself. I was a pro! Not this time, tent poles were falling apart, I couldn't get the thing to stand up correctly, I apparently decided the best place for my tent was on top of a giant pile of rocks... It was just all a mess. That turned out to be warning #1.

The plan was to see the park the first day then head into St. Louis the next day. They had a couple of hiking trails and after a delicious Lupper of chili that the coolest of cool friends made for me I decided, the mountain man that I was, that I was going to do the two mile strenuous hike. So at 4:30 I hop on my bike to ride and take off for the two miles to the trail head. I'm flying! My spirits are up, my tummy full, and I am really biking fast. Then it hits me, I haven't pedaled once. This bike to the trail head is entirely down hill.... Suddenly one of the many lessons my dad instilled on me (most of them awkward ("Son, if you get a boner at a pool just jump in")) came rushing back "what goes down must go up." I was already dreading my trip back. But the spirits were still high and I had 2 Liters of water on my back to put me at ease.

I start off on the trail sweating my ass off. This was my second shirt of the day since it was 94 degrees with a heat index of 100. I'm being very aware of stopping and taking pictures. It's one of my main goals on the trip to photo document it, which I am usually very bad at. The trail is beautiful but it is suddenly 5:30 and I am starting to freak out. You don't understand! Give me a tent, a car, and a pudgy pie maker and I got this licked. But lost in a forest?!? Without my head lamp at least? I have forgotten everything I learned! The only thing I remember is “Leaves of three, beware of me,” but I can't eat poison ivy... Quick! Are the mushrooms that grow on tree stumps ok? Could I catch a squirrel with my wit and cunning? Look, I have seen Into the Wild! I don't want to shrink to 65 pounds and die in a hippie truck. Fight or flight: I choose flight. So I just take off running. People. It is 5:45.... the sunset last night was 8:30 and it wasn't completely dark till almost 9:30. Anyone want to guess when I got back to my bike? 5:52. Needless to say I survived that one. Warning #2 that I might not be that cut out for this.

After my bike back I went to buy ice and firewood to do what I look forward to the most on this trip, sitting around a fire, making grilled food, and maybe having a beer or two. Unfortunately the gas station didn't have beer but I could still do the first two.

This camp site is one of the weirder camp sites I have ever been to. Their fire pits are a concrete slab with an iron ring around it. It feels like starting a fire on your driveway. But I went to it. Throwing all 6 months of my boyscout knowledge into the mix I set off to prove myself. Nothing... An hour and a half of fanning the embers I didn't have a single flame. Completely put off I kicked over the logs and decided to load up everything I had pulled out of my car back in. One couple even asked me if I was leaving. So I was sitting there sulking wondering how much the Hilton downtown runs per night when I notice that the kicked over logs had created an oven like situation that was burning really hot. So I rearrange things a bit and.... FLAME ON! I was so excited! I had a raging mini fire. But I was so proud. What was I proud about exactly? Maybe just my dumb luck but I was proud. Had I kicked over the logs perfectly in the right spots as a showing of my intelligent subconcious? I don't know but I was proud, so I'm sharing that with all of you. This is the raging fire I had going after almost two hours.



Not much to brag about but it signified that I could at least live! Granted I had used the entire sunday circulation for the Wall Street Journal to start it but it started! So I sat back and enjoyed it. Now I didn't have mini marshmallows to roast on my mini fire and I was to worried about putting it out to have dinner. But I was content. Until...

I decided it was time for bed and climbed into my tent. Scratch that, my SAUNA of a tent. Now I'm a Fin but even this was unbearable. What could I do? Can you go nudey at a camp ground? Shirt number three was definitely out of the running for wearing it tomorrow. So I laid, and waited, and laid. With the heat and the critters I slept from about 1 to 4 am. At 4 am I popped up like a chipper little squirrel and decided I just needed to get the hell out of there. So while the rest of the campsite slept in their RV's I went and took a shower with my headlamp, my boxers, and my soap. The one positive on the first full day were the showers. My shower had a double shower head! Deluxe! I don't really understand why though. The top shower head came out of the wall at my shoulders which put the other shower head directly in front of my... Yoohoo! It was quite awkward. But that area is at least nice and rinsed off.

At 5 am I had my rain fly on my tent and was driving into St. Louis to take pictures of the Gateway Arch when the sun rose.

Day 1 complete. And all that really happened is I'm a bit tired, a bit hungry, and about 10 pounds lighter from my sauna tent.

The next beginning

It's official. I am homeless. Granted this is by choice not necessity but I am still homeless... I leave for my camping extravaganza on Tuesday bright and early. Hitting the road with a car full of stuff and a dream. That dream: to see the worlds biggest ball of twine, or largest stump, or largest stamp collection. I don't know what it will be but it will be the largest collection of it ever.

So to celebrate the fact that I'm going to be living in a nylon tent for two months I decided the beard had to go. It was large, scratchy, and sleeping was a drag. I shaved it off without a moments hesitation only to realize I now look like I'm 18. I have even started to get carded at places that never used to card me. On top of it all I recently bought thick plastic framed glasses which I thought looked cool, hip, happening. The problem? With no beard and a buzzed head the glasses make me look like a slightly thinner Drew Carey.

I decided to get my feet wet on this whole camping thing by going to the beach with a good friend. What says sleeping on the ground, showering in the lakes, and fending off aggressive animals with a stick and a can full of rocks more than sitting on a sandy beach with a dog, a towel and a cooler full of beer. We show up at noon, I decide why wear sun screen when I will be outside every day for the next couple of months. Lets work on this mountain man tan. So I laid down and had beer one, feeling great, a nice breeze, sand hadn't reached those unfortunate places yet. Life was good. Beer 2: The sun had warmed my skin, I was talking to my best friend on the phone, petting the dog. Ah what life on the road will be like.... Beer 3: Falling asleep, just want to close my eyes and live in the moment. Beer 4 and a nap latter: I haven't put sun screen on and it has been 5 hours. I just woke up on my towel from a dream. This can't go bad can it? Turns out 5 hours in the sun for a math nerd who sits in doors is a lot more sun than required. Even as a color blind gentleman I can tell parts of me are lobster red. Hopefully the color doesn't make the bears hungry..

And I'm off for real. I hope to be writing much more often now but access to the internet will be harder to come by. Expect a couple blog posts in a row because I plan to write them on my computer then post them once I find a cool coffee shop. I can't wait! Please help me out with ideas by posting random comments that will make me laugh, think, or smile. Or just call. The biggest ball of twine can wait for a good friend....

The Trial

On my last day of jury duty I heard those unfortunate words, "Nate West, juror number 18." It was 2 in the afternoon and most people had already been released from their duty. But there I was on one last panel. So I went through the motions again. For those of you who have read my previous post, this selection process wasn't quite as insane. Needless to say that I was selected to my very first jury.

Begin the Law and Order Sequence:

Duh Dun!

District 15
Misdemeanor courts
Milwaukee County Courthouse

The Charge: Bicycle theft (that's right, frickin' bicycle theft! And one! It wasn't like he was a serial thief! But it's everyone's right to a jury trial.) This theft happened August 7th, 2008 (that's right, TWO years ago)

The defendant: A 42 year old man who had been convicted of various charges 9 (NINE!) times in his life.

The plaintiff: The State, or more precisely a school teacher who by choice didn't own a car and rode her bike everywhere (are you serious? I have personally had my bike stolen 5 times, they had to find the one case where there is a sob story attached?!? Oops, am I suppose to be fair and impartial?)

They spent a lot of time talking about how real courtrooms didn't run like CSI or Law and Order but I completely disagree. This was a bike theft, just give me the evidence and let me decide. 45 minutes max right? Wrong!

Opening Statements:

The State Assistant DA, (are they really assigning bike thefts to assistant DA's? Is Milwaukee REALLY a big city?): "A case is like a puzzle. The opening statement is like the puzzle box lid. Its just meant to show you a reference for when you build the puzzle."

The Defense: "Ahhh crap. Most prosecuting attorneys use a road map metaphor. He totally threw me for a loop. Oh well, I'll use it anyways. The prosecutor stated that the opening statement is like a road map..." (This man was obviously a court appointed lawyer...)

The Case:

Like I stated above. I have had my bike stolen 5 times. #1 My bike was cut off its chain. #2 I put my bike around the corner of a house 2 hours after I bought it. I knocked on the door to the house, no one was there. I walked back to my bike and it was gone. I think I win the speed bike theft world record with that one. #3 I broke my rear axle so I ditched the bike in a forest to come back later to mine it for parts. That night it was gone. #4 Again cut off the chain, this time, they left the chain for a memento. and #5 My bike got stolen out of a garage.

You might be saying. Who leaves there bike unlocked at least 3 separate times! To which I reply, get off my blog! No one asked you! Needless to say, even though I was meant to be fair and partial who really cares about one bike?

State's first witness: "I was sitting 60 feet from where the bike was stolen people watching on a Thursday evening from my apartment window. I noticed a man walking back and forth looking around. I yelled to my roommate 'Larry, this guys going to steal something. Grab the camera!' Then I watched the man steal the bike while my roommate snapped pictures of him doing it." Are you serious? Of all the bike thefts around (and apparently in Milwaukee at this time there was one a day) this dude got caught in the act and had pictures taken of him?!? And remember, it wasn't the first witness' bike that was being stolen... Wait it gets better.

"So three days later I was driving down the street and the same man, wearing the same clothes, rides right by my car window. I recognized him immediately. So I pulled over, called the cops, and followed him until he entered a building. The cops showed up and arrested him." Ok now I just feel bad for the guy. He steals one bike and it watched while doing it, then three days later rides by the guys window? I know I have you hook line and sinker with this story, so I'm sure you're asking: "was he riding the bike?" the answer unfortunately is no. He was rocking out on a purple bike, the bike stolen was black.

So the alleged theif gets arrested while wearing the same outfit as three days ago. This includes a backpack which just happened to have bolt cutters, three pliers, a screw driver, a bike seat, a bike light, and various notebooks. As a juror I really wanted to know what was in the notebooks! Where they journals? Diaries? "Dear diary, Today I stole a bike. Love, James "Notorious Bike Thief" Fowler"

The defense cross examines: Do you use your eyes for work? "Yes, everything I do I use my sight because I need to see to do everything..." Way to go hot shot! You really nailed him there!

State's Witness #2: Woman who's bike was stolen. "I'm a teacher, from riverwest (lower income neighborhood). By choice I have never had a driver's license or a car. My bike is my car. Stealing my bike is like getting your car stolen." Everything in life has to have its sob story. We just found ours.

First real question: Ma'm please look in the backpack and see if there is anything you recognize. "yeah, this is my bike light. I remember it from the scratch on the side!" He kept her bike light?!? They couldn't find the bike but they found the light? I can just see it, he's riding away thinking. 'Man this bike is shit, I'm going to sell it! But this bike like is AWESOME!'

The state rests.

The defendant's story: On the night of the crime he was doing laundry from 2:30 in the afternoon till 11 pm at night! Well sir, did you ever leave the premise? "No not at all." What else did you do. "well in that time we also went to Family Dollar and bought flea medicine to shampoo the carpets" Uh..... So you didn't leave? But you went to Family Dollar?

So what were the tools for? "I do side home improvement jobs" Who has EVER used a bolt cutters for home improvement?!? Hmm, I need to trim the excess drywall... I might as well use bolt cutters right?

The cross examination: You said you hadn't left the apartment but you went to Family Dollar. Care to explain? "Well... what I thought you meant was did I leave anywhere far or leave to do anything illegal, Family Dollar is only a block away." Wow, this dude thinks quick on his feet. What a brilliant reply. We will never see through that one.

I assume you were wearing the outfit as identified by the first witness on the day of your arrest. What were you wearing three days before that? "Hmm... black pants with a red cutoff shirt" Makes perfect sense he would remember. Two years ago on August 7th, 2008 I was wearing my kahki man capris that my friend promised me didn't make me look gay along with my hilarious faux retro t-shirt that read "Everything's bigger in Texas" It's normal to remember what you were wearing two years ago right?

Needless to say it was the most cut and dry guilty I have ever heard. Sorry about unlucky number 10 in lifetime convictions dude. I know its awkward when you have been dating someone for awhile and say, "What's your number." To admit that your number has reached the double digits could be awkward. Luckily I am still a convict virgin. Saving myself for that special bicycle....

The Civil Service

Sometime in February I got a juror summons in the mail. Unfortunately I was going to be out of the country during the dates so I had to postpone the dates of my service. Those dates were this Monday and Tuesday. Like most people I went to the court room eager to serve my city for a mere $16 a day. Although being unemployed, it afforded me the ability to sit back and try to get on a trial instead of struggling to schedule work around a trial.

I got to the courtroom a little before 9, sat through what I can only describe as a conjunction junction type video about how to be a good juror, and at 9:30 I got the news. Would Nathan West, juror #5 report to the next jury panel. Pumped up and ready to judicate, I eagerly skipped to the waiting area. A short civics lesson for those of you who have forgotten, a jury is 6 or 12 people with additional reserve jurors. This trial they called 35 people to fill 14 slots.

Holy hell people. If you ever think one of your friends is the biggest idiot you have ever met, you have never been to jury duty.

Three people really stood out from the panel of 35. And by stood out I don't mean these people were brilliant, level-headed citizens. Quite the contrary. I'll be referring to these people by the nicknames I have assigned them. #1 is Cracky McCrack-head. #2 is Creepy McWeasel. And the real doosy #3 This woman claims she is a CNA but instead of certified nursing assistant it must mean Crazy Narcissistic African.

To start the process we are suppose to go around stating information about ourselves. Married/single, children and ages, occupation, where you live, etc. Pretty easy right? Ummm... no. So Ms. CNA stands up and says "Single, six kids, job.... well I went and got my CNA about 5 years ago because I thought it would bring me to straight cash money..." "Ma'm what do you currently do?" "Well I did an internship when I was getting my CNA" soo you interned 5 years ago. This woman is either selling drugs, her body, or counterfiet "RolFlex's" out the back of her car. Oh and here is the real kicker. She came dressed today in NURSING SCRUBS!!!! No jurors can wear whatever they want. Since I constantly searching for the woman of my dreams I made sure I looked gooood. But what was her mentality? "Gotta go to jury duty, what should I wear? I know! I'll dig out those nursing scrubs from 4 years ago and look all professional!" Ma'm you officially have my attention, I'm going to pay attention to you, you seem fun!

Next Creepy McWeasel goes. "Single, no kids - that i know of..." (hilarious man, hilarious, I'm sure the judge, lawyers, and the 34 people getting paid $19 to be there all appreaciated that you lightened up our day with your humor, just tell us your damn job) "And I'm currently going to school to be a CNA."

Cracky McCrack-head, please stand and state your name. Now some of you might think I am just being mean. But this guy was wearing jesus sandals, running pants, and a cutoff t-shirt that said "Trucking in Dodge County." It looked like he weighed all of 95 pounds, had long scraggly hair, and a bitchin' long beard. Also ever time he took a step it looked like he might fall over. So lay off, I think the name fits and its my space! "I'm married, 3 children, 1 grandchild... well two but I just got done with her murder trial..." Ahhhhh ha-what? Now you can call the county and request your service to get waived for a variety of reasons. I'm pretty sure "I'm busy because I have to try to convict the murderer of my grand-child" would be an acceptable excuse. Now again, for all you haters who think its unacceptable to write about this, the next day, I saw him having lunch with his wife, his son and his TWO GRANDCHILDREN. Sir! You were under oath! How dare you?!?

Now this trial dealt with a medical malpractice suit that dealt with prostate cancer, colostomy bags, depression, and suicide. So the lawyers start asking questions pertaining to these points.

The first one "Have you or anyone in your extended family had prostate cancer? If so please raise your hand." Sure enough, CNA's hand rifles into the air. "Yes Ma'm" "I'm from Africa" (this woman has no discernible accent) "and my Dad had prostate cancer. That country had a civil war! (isn't Africa a continent?) And I'm mad!" (me blinking furiously trying to wake myself up from the phenomenal dream).

Every question they ask they end with "Does anything about your experience lead you to be an unfair and impartial juror" Now people are answering some very personal questions, but everyone is politely answering "No I can handle it." She answers "Yes" Why? "Because I'm mad!" Ok, I think it's safe to say she doesn't want to be selected. She is waaaay to busy looking for straight cash money from a CNA position.

The continue with their questions and suddenly CNA raises her hand. When called upon she STANDS UP and says "Your Honor, I respect you, I respect this court, as I stated I'm from Africa and mad, and this trial would just be too hard. I am asking to be removed from this trial because..." The JUDGE interrupts her and says "Thank you Ma'm, we can talk about it later. Please sit down." That's a very polite way of saying, shut up!

Aaand we continue. "Has anyone every dealt with suicide" CNA is furiously waving in the background. "5 years ago I was coming out of jury duty and Kobe pushed me under the Buss." (I know what you're thinking, just wait, it gets better) "And the buss ran over me. So I was brought to county hospital and the buss driver said no one would believe me and I should shut up (good advice...) and the Sheriff at the hospital (why was there a sheriff at the hospital?) told me Kobe Bryant wasn't admitting that he pushed me under the buss but that people were just playing a game on me..." Kobe Bryant! Phe-nom-inal. And that's it, where was the suicide?

Finally they get to the question: "Is there anything else you want us to know that would lead you to be unfair or impartial?" Anyone have a guess about who has something to say? CNA is on it! "I'm African (we know!!!) and I've dealt with a lot of racism in my life. And i think in a civil case I would add up all the money I think I'm owed and just tack it on the plantiff's sentence" This is a trial between a 90 year old white man and his white doctor. If it isn't obvious by now this woman is pulling out all straws to get off jury duty. And other people have noticed that its working!

Which brings me to Creepy McWeasel. To the question of is there anything that would lead you to be unfair he answers "Yes, I mean they stink" Sir you haven't defined what they are: Old people? Doctors? Prostates? Cancer? "They leak, no one wants to wear them or deal with them. I cut them, I size them, and fit them on people. But you know, you got to do what you got to do to prolong life. That's the ultimate goal right? Just prolong life?" Are you serious?!?! Colostomy bags are what will lead him to be unfair or impartial? So they ask "Is there anything about that experience that would lead you to be an unfair or impartial juror?" and he answers "No." Wasn't that the original question? What the hell, aren't we suppose to be adults?!?

Finally they ask if anyone has any time commitments they can't get out of. Some acceptable answers are "My mom has cancer and has her first treatment tomorrow and we have had the appointment for months" Creepy McWeasel raises his hand and answers "I work as a CNA (we know, and colostomy bags stink and leak) and people like me there." That's your reason?

Needless to say all three didn't get picked to be on the jury, and neither did I, but that was probably because I couldn't stop laughing while sitting in the jury box.

The Job Offer!!!

So today I received a job offer in my email inbox. On top of it all it was an offer for a job I didn't even apply for! I knew I was good but this good? You may be asking yourself "Self, do most companies offer jobs without ever talking to someone and through email as their first form of communication?" Well "Laura Smith" does but just to be on the safe side I looked into it a bit more.

Here is the actual offer my analysis below:

Assistant Manager Position

Dear Nathan West,

Our Company is pleased to offer you the position of Assistant Manager for our team. We are all agitated about the potential that you bring to our company.

Our company is a global management consulting, technology services and outsourcing company. Combining unparalleled experience, complete capabilities across all industries and business functions, and extensive research on the world’s most successful companies, we cooperate with customers to help them become high-performance businesses. Our "high performance business" strategy builds on our expertise in consulting, technology and outsourcing to help clients perform at the highest levels so they can nake sustainable value for their customers and shareholders. Using our industry skills, service-offering expertise and technology capabilities, we identify new business and technology trends and develop solutions to help clients around the world. The biggest number of customers is represented by the USA residents.

You will be organized as an exempt executive-level employee. Your initial compensation package includes a monthly salary of $4500 payable biweekly, full medical and dental coverage through our company's employee benefit plan. At the beginning you will have to undergo the 2-week training period, that will be covered by $1800.

Description of the offered position:

• Maintaining correspondence
• Estimation, organization, keeping up and exploration of complex data
• Organization of payoffs straight from clients to employees using money transfer systems
• Looking after costs of the company
• Performing administration work
• Conference calls arrangement with meeting organization
• Promotion support
• Working out fiscal reports and reports of internal use
• Studing and determination of ways of solution
• Announcement of information to customers

Our Assistant Manager must have perfect communication skills and being proficient in the following field:

• Computer skills and typesetting
• Skilled usage of Microsoft Word, Excel

Working hours are 9a.m. to 3p.m. Monday through Friday.

To accept this job offer please let us know the following facts:
1. Your complete name
2. Your full address
3. Your cell number
4. Home phone number
5. Your e-mail

In accepting our offer of employment, you certify your understanding that your employment will be on an at-will basis, and that neither yourself nor the Company has entered into a contract regarding the terms or the duration of your employment. As an at-will employee, you will be free to terminate your employment with the Company at any time, with or without cause or advance notice. Likewise, the Company will have the right to reassign you or to terminate your employment at any time, with or without cause or advance notice.

We are excited of your joining our company and are confident that you will play a key role in our company's expansion into international markets.

Sincerely,
HR Coordinator

It all just looks so official! But lets break it down.

Red Flag #1: How about that second sentence: "We are all agitated about the potential that you bring to our company."

-Now I've agitated a lot of people. Mostly women. And this is the first time I have ever heard it used as a positive. But I'm glad this company (That is never named) is so agitated about my potential.

Here is red flag #2: "so they can nake sustainable value for their customers and shareholders"

-this is a form letter, obviously, so I figured they would spend a lot of time making sure they said exactly what they wanted to say. I figured this couldn't have been a mistake so I googled this new word "nake" that I had never heard of. Big mistake. The top URL "Sexy nude nake female celebs" Surely they couldn't mean get naked?

-So I popped onto dictionary.com to see if they had anything better:

Nake

Nake\, v.t. To make naked. [Obs.] --Chaucer. Come, be ready, nake your swords. --Old Play.

They must have meant this then. So I rewrote the sentence just so I could be sure I understood what they wanted:

Our "high performance business" strategy builds on our expertise in consulting, technology and outsourcing to help clients perform at the highest levels so they can get made naked for sustainable value for their customers and shareholders.

Strangely this didn't necessarily make the job less appealing.

Lets get to the pay already!

$4,500 per month! Full Health! Full Dental! The hours are only Monday through Friday 9 a.m. till 3 p.m.?!?! Where do I sign up!

Red Flag #3: "At the beginning you will have to undergo the 2-week training period, that will be covered by $1800."

-Ok, so I'll have to pony up a little bit of money. The job sounds worth it!

Red Flag #4: Job Responsibilities: "Studing and determination of ways of solution"

-Studing?!?! This must be part of nake. Again, is this really a drawback?

Red Flag #5:

To accept this position I just need to respond with the following information:
1. My full name (You titled the letter Dear Nathan West, is that not full enough?)
and
5. My email address (This came as an offer through my email address...)

Final "Nail in the coffin" Red Flag: Uhh.... the second to last paragraph that is explicitly detailed in the fact that the company can terminate my employment with them at any time without cause and without advanced notice. I wonder if that time would be after the two weeks and the $1,800 I gave them to get trained in the art of nake and Studing....

Needless to say this job wasn't for me. So I wrote back:

Dear "HR Coordinator":

While the prospect of getting paid $4,500 a month to romp around being "nake" and "Studing" sounds incredibly appealing I unfortunately do not currently posses the $1,800 to take your training. I should have it any day though. You see last month a Nigerian Prince contacted me and said that he was in trouble and needed to move his families estate into a safe account. All I had to do was forward him my bank account information and he would transfer the money directly into my account. If I kept it safe for him I would be welcome to half of his fortune! Needless to say I jumped at the opportunity and am currently awaiting the money transfer of his fortune plus the $500 he took out of my account apparently to cover petty expenses.

If you aren't in need of the money today I would love to pay you back as soon as this sound business investment comes through. Please let me know if we can work something out!

Sincerely,

Nathan Cornelius Bartholomew West

The Beard

Every man, to truly feel like a man, has to check off a few things from an imaginary list. Some of them include getting your drivers license, having your first beer, and convincing that first girl to sleep with you. One that isn't so obvious is growing a beard. There is no real reason to do it. Most women find facial hair extremely unattractive, most men can't grow a decent beard, and it's downright obnoxious to sleep with one. But ask any man over 25 and I bet they have at least attempted to grow one. The duration might have only lasted a couple of missed shaves before they looked at themselves in the mirror and decided in the best interest of their love life to shave it, but they at least tried.

Now my "Man Checklist" wasn't as manly as it should have been: my mommy took me for my drivers test, my first drink was a kiwi strawberry wine cooler we stole from my friends parents, and I'm not even going to touch the last one. So it really shouldn't have surprised me that the beard wasn't going to be a huge success. I simply don't have the physical makeup to grow a good beard. I hate those men that can sneeze hard and have a 5 'o' clock shadow. The goal is to have to shave once a day, I'm currently at once every new moon.

I actually tried to grow a beard earlier. I had already gotten my job so I had no need to look presentable. I thought this was my last window to give it a go. After the first month I started to see some progress. But I had two glaring problems: 1. Even though my hair is brown my beard was blond, and hard to see and 2. My face and my genes had played a cruel joke on me. The higher power in charge of facial hair growth decided to leave a one inch landing strip on each of my cheeks where nothing grew. If you don't know what I'm talking about hopefully the picture below will shed some light.



After much deliberation I decided to shave my glorious beard into a chin strap. I can almost hear you laughing. And you should, I looked like a complete Douche with a capital D. So I gave up and shaved it off.

Now that I'm unemployed, and the job started with me trying to start a beard, I decided it should end with my trying to grow a beard. This one I call my "Unemployment Beard." This time it has been quite different. Now the my facial hair is red (next time I try this I am hoping for a different color, we'll see how long this lasts!). But the biggest change? I can grow hair on my cheeks! Woo! Granted most of it is albino white, but its a start. I finally feel like I hit puberty.

You'll be happy to know i refuse to resort back to the chin strap. I'm even sticking with the mustache against the direction of my closest advisers. You see my mustache refuses to connect with the rest of my beard. I feel like this is the one step that is holding it back from really meaning business.

Now if you are demanding a picture I refuse. But I will tell you the most common response. When people see me for the first time since I started this they usually say "Nice Beard!" followed by a sort of chortle. I decide to listen to the nice beard part.

In fact that other weekend I was back home talking to my Grandpa. He said "You got a little something going there." Never a good sign when you've been growing a beard for two months. But he is old so I respond "Yeah, I figured I would save some money on razors and grow a beard." He looked at me for a few seconds contemplating how to respond and finally settled on "Well.... everyone's gotta try it at least once I suppose..." Thanks Grandpa, hey at least I can check one more thing off my Man Bucket List. Only 57 more things to go!